Don't let this happen to you! From Salon.com --

I think my baby is my ex's -- and my husband doesn't know. The truth could destroy our marriage -- should I do the DNA tests anyway?

Dear Cary,

I had a one-night stand with my ex. I took Plan B, life carried on as normal, I told my husband what had happened. It was tough but we got through it. (never tell your spouse what you did. Stupid! If you don't think you can handle the guilt, don't cheat.)

That month I skipped my period. I went for a lot of early scans, which date the embryo to the day. The dates and the fact I took Plan B made me as sure as I could be that the pregnancy was a result of my husband rather than my ex. I lied about the dates, though I had confessed to cheating. We decided to continue the pregnancy.

Then we found out, at 20 weeks pregnant, that the baby has club-feet and dislocated hips. My ex was born with these conditions and there is an extremely strong genetic link. There is no history of either of these conditions in my or my husband's family.

So the baby is probably my ex's. My husband doesn't know that my ex had these conditions, and it's unlikely (though possible) he will find out. Finding out the baby is not his will destroy our relationship -- which was floundering at the time I conceived, but during the pregnancy has become an incredible, strong unit. Not a unit that could withstand being founded on a lie, though. (Attention! You cannot get away with this kind of thing anymore, and women trying to pull the wool over guys' eyes is one of the reasons that DNA testing at birth should be mandatory. Who would want to be married to a woman like this?)

The baby is due in a week. I don't know what to do. Have a DNA test done and find out for sure? Never mention it and hope the baby doesn't look too obviously like my ex? (If your husband has a brain, he will do the testing himself, given your idiocy in telling him about you and your ex.) I can't imagine spending my life with my husband raising a child who isn't his and never telling him -- but I can't imagine raising the child on my own either, and I am pretty sure that's how it'd end up. I don't want my husband to leave me. (Should have thought about that before.)

My ex is now happy with someone else and has made it clear he'd rather forget we ever had a relationship, let alone the interactions we did earlier this year.

Facing a Big Choice (More like, Stuck in a Mess that I Created.)

Dear Facing a Big Choice,

I do believe that your husband has to know the truth. You will want to choose the time and place in which to tell him. But he does need to know. So at some time after the baby is born, yes, I think you ought to have the necessary tests performed.
You don't know for certain yet whose sperm created this child, but you do know whose child this is: This is your child, certainly and without question, no matter what the genetic heritage.

This is also your husband's child, no matter how he came into being. (Uh, not really. A man should have a choice and a say in such matters. It has always seemed odd to me, how many men leave their biological children in one relationship, to go raise some other man's kids in another marriage while his OWN kids are being raised by some OTHER guy, but that oddity of life aside, men generally feel pretty strongly about genetic ties, or should. To deceive him in matters like this is tantamount to fraud and should be treated as such by the courts.)

He is your husband and you are giving birth to a child that is his (legally, but not genetically, which makes a huge difference.) He is the father of all your children, whether his sperm gave them genesis or not. The children deserve no less. They had no say in this. They deserve to be loved no matter whose genes they carry. (True. Which is why you need to be super-careful in an infidelity situation to avoid pregnancy, whether a man or a woman.)

That is the way I would look at it. The fact that you lied to him is unfortunate. If you have the ability to look deeply at your own behavior and find a way to change, I suggest you do so. It seems that you lied out of fear, and out of a mistaken belief that lying would make things better. (Saving her own ass, more likely.)

But I'm not suggesting you be cast out in the street and stoned. People can get pretty emotional about these things, but throughout history the species has renewed itself in just such ways more times than we need to count. Babies want to be born; the species wants to endure; it finds ways to make more of itself. It uses us in spite of ourselves. Give it an opening and life will sprout. There are powerful forces at work here.

You did not really do the right thing, but it was understandable what you did. The right thing would have been much harder, and sort of counterintuitive. But none of us is perfect. We do stupid things. Sometimes the stupid things we do don't matter. Sometimes they matter in the most profound and unalterable way. (Here's a situation that qualifies.) You can't always tell in advance -- though I would say that in matters of birth and paternity, it can be assumed that any action we take has a better than average chance of falling into the profound and unalterable category.

I think your husband will be profoundly upset to learn what has happened. Powerful and cogent arguments can be made that genetic provenance is not just an abstraction but is, on the contrary, to many people, utterly central to their reasons for marriage and procreation. (Duh - how much are they paying this moron?) So I will probably get many letters this time, urging this or that more uncompromising solution.

My own bottom line is this: Your husband does have to know if this child owes its genetic existence to the other man. Maybe not right away. But soon. (How about today, bitch?) He needs to know that you haven't told him the truth. I hope that doesn't destroy your marriage. It doesn't have to. There is no law that says your marriage has to fall apart. People live through all kinds of things. You made a mistake. But now there's a situation that calls for compassion and commitment. (A big price to extract from a guy -- 18 years of raising another man's child because you made a "mistake," which was probably more a situation of sperm warfare - let the best swimmer win!)

That said, will you allow me just a short musing? The reason I do not place so much importance on the genetic inheritance of the child is mainly because I myself do not expect to earn any kind of immortality by producing children that carry my genes (and because you're an idiot as well, don't forget that part.) I do, however, if I am honest with myself, have some such expectation that my work will be read by people after I am gone and that a part of me therefore will live on in that way. (An advice column on Slate? Dream on!)

Fate has dealt you a difficult hand, and in trying to make things a little better, you appear to have made things a good deal worse. (To the contrary, you dealt yourself your own hand.) I suggest you come clean soon and endeavor to make the best of a trying situation.

__

Arrghh! There's a statistic from the 90's that says that one in ten kids born into marriage situations are not the children of the legal father. There are certainly genetic, financial and other reasons why having children by other men makes sense in the aggregate - genetic variety, children with different skills, capabilities and interests, the opportunity to get more resources from more men.

But in a practical sense, all of that goes out the window in these days of DNA testing. You can't get away with it, girls, so stop trying.

More cautionary tales...and more reasons why "The undiscovered affair is the successful affair."

Private Eyes Catch Those Who Cheat & Lie

The book "Confessions of a Love Dick - How Private Eyes Catch Those Who Cheat & Lie" was written by a former lady private eye, B.J. Morgan, aka pseudonym "Beth Whaley" - the name she called herself when making pretext phone calls to gather information as a former "dick-tective of love."

Morgan spent five years specializing as an infidelity investigator and now runs a coaching business, MateChecks.com, helping those who suspect their mate is stepping out on them. If infidelity is occurring in a relationship, her book may offer a unique look at how she secured evidence of affairs in progress.

Anyone suspecting their mate of inappropriate behavior should spend $17.95 now to order the book (to read the list of warning signs of unfaithfulness and tips on how one can secure the evidence of an affair in progress) BEFORE shelling out a thousand dollars or more for the services of a private investigator, marital therapist, or divorce attorney.

At last, a former Lady Private Eye has decided to pierce the veil of "How Private Eyes Catch Those Who Cheat & Lie" in her book "Confessions of a Love Dick" to educate and inform those who have a gut feeling that something is wrong in their romantic relationship but do not know where to turn for help or answers. After reading this highly revealing, albeit controversial, self-help book, the reader will be armed with incredible knowledge should they decide to conduct "romantic espionage" on the home-front.

Reading "Confessions of a Love Dick" is the first step suspicious mates need to take - which may very well help to uncover concrete proof of cheating and give them reason to hire a private investigator, marital therapist, or divorce attorney.

MateChecks.com also can acquire information like criminal and court records, marital status, sex-offender registration and warrants for arrest in their "Investimate Background Check" through a discreet and private process. Many prenuptial investigations have revealed adultery as having been the grounds for divorce in the subject's past. Morgan also has seen a direct correlation between domestic violence and adultery and other deceitful behavior and believes it is a wise and smart investment to check out someone's past.

The book (and services offered at MateChecks.com) is designed to help both women and men secure evidence in circumstances fraught with emotion, anxiety, and bitterness. According to Morgan, her profession is one dedicated to assisting the public in making "better life decisions regarding their personal relationships." (In some circumstances, having an affair IS the better life decision!)

Here's an interesting article, with some sobering information...proving once again that the successful affair is the undiscovered affair. Once your spouse is suspicious, you've got problems.

If you're gonna spy, do it cost effectively and legally
By ALISON BERT
From THE JOURNAL NEWS, Sept. 30th

Legal or not?

• Legal: Following your spouse and filming them in public
• Legal in New York: Recording a conversation you are having with your spouse without telling them.
• Not legal: Installing an audio recording or listening device on someone's phone or property to eavesdrop on third-party conversations you're not involved in.

**

Never have there been so many ways to spy on a spouse — and so many pitfalls. The Internet is awash with gadgets, from hidden cameras inside smoke detectors to audio recording devices disguised as pens and watches. But there's an art to getting evidence of a spouse's infidelity without coming under federal scrutiny or depleting your life savings.

Federal prosecutors are investigating whether former Westchester District Attorney Jeanine Pirro (a pity she was such a loser potential candidate against the Hildabeast), a candidate for state attorney general, sought to engage in illegal eavesdropping. In a phone conversation last year with friend and former New York City Police Commissioner Bernard Kerik, Pirro suggested bugging her husband's boat to find out whether he was having an affair. When news of the conversation and investigation broke this week, Pirro insisted that she never followed through with the idea and that she was speaking from a state of anger.

Plenty of people in the Lower Hudson Valley likely relate to Pirro's desire to find evidence on her spouse. Private investigators get calls constantly from men and women. So, to do things in the most economical manner that is legal — here are some things to consider before setting out to confirm your suspicions.

• Will evidence pay off?

Before investing money in surveillance, ask yourself what you want to gain from it — and whether the evidence will truly pay off. In many cases, people want evidence of infidelity to get a divorce. "In New York, you must prove fault to get a divorce," said attorney Arthur J. Ferraro of Ferraro Zugibe LLP in Garnerville, explaining that fault can take the form of adultery, cruel and inhuman treatment, abandonment, incurable insanity, imprisonment for more than three years or a spouse's refusal to have sexual relations for a long period. In the absence of the other instances, evidence of adultery is a good option.

When it comes to getting a more lucrative divorce settlement, however, that videotape of your spouse with a paramour will mean little to a judge, Ferraro said. "Generally speaking, fault is not an issue, unless the fault is egregious," Ferraro said.

"There have been cases that have been decided in which a husband hired a hit man to kill his wife unsuccessfully or a husband beat the hell out of his wife, things of that sort."

The evidence can help with custody battles, however, in which a judge considers the "relative merits" of the mother and father. Adultery is one of various factors that would be considered, but it would be a "much more important factor if it could be proven that the child knows about the adultery," he said. (Interesting how standards have changed on this issue.)

And there's still another instance in which having such evidence can be a good investment, Ferraro said. "What if you had a husband who's a pillar of the community, a businessman, a church-goer, a synagogue-goer, whose wife has hired a private detective who's gotten videos of the husband," he said. "The car's parked outside a motel. The other car belonging to the paramour is there. He has pictures showing them going in, staying for an hour and then coming out and kissing. ... Well, the wife could say, 'Hey, honey, look what I have. You don't want me to spread this around and let our children know and then let the rabbi know — you wouldn't want that, would you? So let's get a fair settlement, honey."

But in other instances, the desire to know is out of the legal realm."There's a lot of reasons why people want to check on their spouses," said Gil Alba, the founder of Alba Investigations in Somers. The retired First Grade Detective for the New York Police Department refers matrimonial cases to other investigators after finding out what the callers are looking to gain.

"It's a lot deeper than just wanting them caught," he said. "It's a whole psychological thing depending on how the two are getting along. Maybe they want to confirm the fact that they're fooling around for themselves (or) confront them and maybe try to get them to stop."

• The cost of sleuthing

Private investigators must be licensed in New York. In this region, they typically charge $75 to $200 an hour for surveillance by two to four investigators. A client usually pays a retainer from which fees and expenses are drawn.

At 1st Class Investigations Inc. in Pomona (www.1stclassinvestigations.com), run by two retired NYPD officers, retainers tend to range from $2,500 to $6,000, depending on the length of the investigation and what's involved. The standard investigation requires between 20 to 30 hours of surveillance, said Frank DiMaggio, a retired captain.

Before hiring an investigator, there are things you can do to confirm your suspicions or get information to make the investigation easier, Alba said. He suggested trying to check your partner's cell phone to see which numbers were called and received, checking phone bills and E-Z Pass statements or installing a GPS tracking system under a mutually-owned vehicle that tracks its whereabouts.

Your spouse may get careless and leave e-mail on the computer desktop or neglect to clear Web search histories. But Alba warns against using special software to find your partner's password or decipher messages from key strokes. And he warns against calling their cell phone service provider pretending to be that person in order to get access to his or her phone records.

These methods are illegal, he said. Also illegal: eavesdropping with cell phone bugs. They're probably the most common type of bug, according to Skipp Porteus of Sherlock Investigations Inc. in Manhattan, which specializes in bug detection and other surveillance.

"A specially prepared cell phone can be left on a desk, taped under a conference table, placed in a plant, or under a car seat," he writes on his company's Web site (www.sherlockinvestigations.com). "The eavesdropper can call at will and listen to the conversation in the room or vehicle." The phone doesn't ring but turns on a sensitive microphone.
In New York, it is legal to record conversations you are having without telling the other person. If your spouse confesses to having an affair, the recording is admissible in court, Ferraro said.

Amir Muhammad of Yonkers, who runs Mount Vernon-based CL Investigations with his partner, said he's had clients install hidden cameras in their homes that are concealed in teddy bears, smoke detectors and wall clocks. Although people are allowed to install surveillance cameras in their own home, the laws governing their use fall into a gray area depending on what is being filmed and its purpose. (Sheesh, you have to wonder whether the female operatives in his firm wear burkhas when they go out on assignment. Talk about undercover.) Before buying anything, of course, it's crucial to know the law.

• Tips from private eyes
  

Private investigators have their stories of do-it-yourself sleuthing gone awry. And it can make their job even tougher.
Muhammad said one woman's husband spotted her car as she and her sister were trailing him. Then when she hired his firm to take over the investigation, the job took much longer than it should have.

"Now, every time the person comes out of their house, they're going to be looking over their shoulder ... for strange cars following them for too long," he said.

In some instances, he said, people become violent when they discover that their spouse is following them. André Barry, a retired NYPD lieutenant with 1st Class Investigations, recalled an instance in which a woman showed up while he and his partner were conducting surveillance on her husband outside his workplace. "She was so anxious to get an answer that she just couldn't wait for us to do the job and get back to her," he said. "She almost compromised the investigation because her husband, of course, knows her car."

Barry also advises against confronting your spouse."If a spouse accuses their partner of being involved in another relationship," he said, "the first thing that person's going to do is to terminate their relationship, even if it's only temporary just to show that, 'Honey, you're wrong. You could have me followed.' "

His partner, DiMaggio, advises people to follow their intuition.
"If they think that there's something going on, we have come to realize, usually their suspicions are correct," he said. (Correct! Remember - don't give *yourself* away.)